Pouring Out My Soul

[LinkCelestrial]

WARNING: This is a personal vent. If you're not interested in reading about someone's struggles please excuse yourself and keep your comments to yourself. I also swear quite a bit.

As some of you may know I struggled with depression. This was around the age of 13. It started because I felt like my parents were cruel and I had nobody to talk to. I felt alone and useless and I figured I'd much rather be dead. I continued on in this way for about four years. Sometimes a bit better, sometimes worse. Then I got a friend IRL and some internet friends. I did my best to please my parents. I got out of it. And approaching and going into my first year of adulthood I could honestly say I felt better. But now I'm relapsing. Hardcore. (Relapsing basically means I'm depressed again.)

Why? Well we must rewind. I technically graduated last year, but decided to take an extra year of schooling as they'd fund my 30s courses. Sounds great right? Right. My sister joined me in taking English 30-1 and I took Math 30-1. I procrastinated starting the courses for a while because, well, that's what I do. I'm really .loving. stupid that way. When I did get into them they kicked my ass. I'm used to sitting down, understanding what's going and getting it. But when it came to these it went over my head. And I /never/ felt satisfied with the work I was doing in English. (I have creators curse). So what did I do? I avoided them. I'm really .loving. stupid like that as well. When something stresses me out I avoid it. Then it comes back and stresses me out more and I avoid it and I can see this damned cycle but I never seem to break free. Enter parents. (I love my parents, I really truly do. And I know they love me but they can be shitty parents. Really shitty parents.)

My parents crack down and insist I get going on my courses. So I do. Kinda. Then my dad explodes at me out of nowhere so I pick up the pace. Then he explodes again (multiple times, I'm amalgamating them). He says he sees me doing things when I should be doing schoolwork and going out on youth events when I shouldn't and I say that it's not fair to either of us for him to bottle this up and explode in my face and that if he had a problem he should come forward. But no, he's being "nice" by sitting on the sidelines till he can't take it. In his ridicule of the things I was doing I retorted "what, I'm not allowed to have fun now?" His response was "you don't deserve to have fun." This .poo. hit me hard. Every time we had one of these conversations I struggled with relapsing. I failed to win one day and cut (have only done it once since then. I'm writing this instead of cutting cause I need to vent). These were the things that ruined my days when I first got depressed. My mother telling me I'd grow up to be a no life. Drug addict. Couch potato. Both my parents giving me .poo. about what I didn't do while never acknowledging what I did do. (Or saying, it's great that you did that but this and this and this and this). I've come to realize that the acceptance of my parents means more to me than I want it too, and their words cut deeper than I'd like to allow them. Anyways, today I have discovers that I have 12 days to finish my courses. I have too much work to possibly be finished by then. So that's it. The final straw. I want to drown myself in booze.

"I want to run away, want to ditch my life, cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night."

I'm done. I don't know what to do. I'm dreading the return of my father. There's nothing he can say that will do anything but make this worse. And I know all he's going to do is give me .poo.. I've written emails to my teachers asking if there's anything to do but I have sealed my own fate. I've made the bed and I will lay in it.

My relationship with my family is broken. I don't trust my parents and they don't trust me. When I was in the midst of my depression I was receiving a lecture. I broke down and cried and spilled my guts. How I was depressed and so done. My parents said I was being selfish and needed to get over myself. I've always maintained the illusion of being smart so they have such high expectations. But I am stupid. I am in the same place I was 5 years ago. Going through the same .loving. cycle. Only the stakes are higher than ever and I keep losing.

"People ask me about my plans for the future. I have none. I never wanted to live this long."

If you're worried about me killing myself, don't. I'm too much of a chicken .poo.. I keep clinging to the hope that it'll get better, that God will help me through this. But here I am again.

There it is, I've poured out my soul. Beats cutting, right?

"I am falling. I can see that I'm falling and I know why I fell but try as I might there is nothing I can do. I am falling."

Feel free to thread jack this and vent about whatever. I know I'll probably be back with more.

[AstroGeek327]

I'm almost crying in the middle of my game store >.< I feel you bro....*hugs* but there are tons of people who love you and you are NOT going to be a druggie or a couch potato. I hardly know you, but I can tell that you are a supercool superstrong person. You got dis bro <3 and hell yes this beats cutting >.< I'm like, one day clean and so proud of myself, that tells you what a sad little person *I* am xD

[Kaylesh]

I feel you man. I know the feeling to well. I never did anything for my studies. Blasted through the first year of highschool, then flunked the second when I should have easily made it with a bit of effort. Second time over I knew enough to pass without effort again. Instead of learning from my mistake, I flunked 3rd year, getting kicked out of school, losing my g/f who was good to me but who I never paid enough attention as it was anyway. Even for her I couldn't get the effort in. Finished highschool in 10 years where it should take 6, taking my exams in a 3 year period because I didn't like some teachers so I defied them.
Because of that I totally flunked university, reducing my work to zero because I couldn't get my head into the courses, even though they did interest me.
Now I'm 33 years old, jobless, and pretty much without papers except for my highschool degree. Been working deadend jobs, finally losing it altogether.
Even now I'm doing less then I should be doing, evading work that needs to be done around the house. I try, but I can't get myself to do it, even when I do it it turns out to be a 5 minute job. So often I think back of what I should have done differently, and your post made me think of all that again. Nothing to be done to change the past though, gotta live with your mistakes I'm afraid.

Well, what started out as an attempted pick-you-up ended in a bit of a rant how you're not the only one, hope that helps a bit.

In a practical sense, when it comes to math, I pretty much grasped everything up to university grade Calculus I (complex figures and stuff), so I could see if I can explain some things that go over your head in just another way. Helped some friends like that. They couldn't figure how the teacher explained it, but saw my way as completely making sense. I know it's short days, but maybe you could salvage something.

[the_intelligentleman]

Alright. Let's just understand one thing. You aren't a failure. You never are. You ALWAYS have a chance to fix whatever mess you have made and get back to where you want to be. And your parents? .love. what they say. If they want to be overly agressive and angry, let them. Focus on who you want to be, and what you want to do. If they yell at you, say, "I understand. I will deal with it. Thank you." And then go back to your work or life. If they want to continue the convo, listen politely, acknowledge their points, and repeat what I said above. If they want to attack you personally, call them out on it. Don't let them treat you like .poo., no one has the right to do that. And if procrastination is an issue, (it's one of mine,) here's some advice. If you have a smartphone, put it in a different room. If you are using the Internet, open a new account on Chrome, and use that. It won't have any of your favorite sites saved for easy access. And remember, if you EVER need to talk about anything, pm me. I'm always open for a conversation.

[LinkCelestrial]

Thank you guys so much. It really means a lot to me. I'm feeling much better now but that's probably due to the vodka. xD

Astro, One day is the first step. I have faith in you. I really hope I didn't make you too sad. D:

Kaylesh, We can see it, but why can't we change? Like, dammit. I wish you the best and I hope you can get out of it.

Intelligentelman, Thanks for the encouragement. ^_^ Procrastination is an issue, thanks for the advice. 

[Kaylesh]

Kaylesh, We can see it, but why can't we change? Like, dammit. I wish you the best and I hope you can get out of it.

Thanks.
Why can't we change as easily as we want to?
Often considered that. Made so much theories. Gyroscopic effect, it's really hard to change the position of an object that is spinning fast.
Programming, when I'm in defeatist mode.
Fate. Just some more defeatism.

I really don't have an answer anymore. I used to believe in a form of reincarnation, so that what happens to you makes sense, that what you get thrown at you in life is there to strengthen you or to let you learn in your cosmic lesson of life. Can't really say I still hold that faith. That's what you get when even professionals gawk when you tell them what's happening in your life.

I've decided just to make the best out of it, trying to do the best I can. It's all one can do really.

[5/9 Turtle]

"I want to run away, want to ditch my life, cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night."

"People ask me about my plans for the future. I have none. I never wanted to live this long."

"I am falling. I can see that I'm falling and I know why I fell but try as I might there is nothing I can do. I am falling."

Okay, I've had the same problems as you but with no known causes. I've just been depressed a lot for the past year or so. That second quote ^^ hits hard for me, as I never expected to make it this far in my senior year of high school. I never thought I'd actually tell anyone this but here it goes. On August 30 2014, I had a plan that plan was to commit suicide because I just didn't feel like living. This plan involved me taking zip ties and ziptying my throat to the point where I couldn't breath, even putting duct tape over my mouth and nose just in case. I realized it wasn't going to work, so I cut it all off with scissors. I layed in bed the rest of the night crying. I still am depressed, and never thought I would make it this far, I'm starting to get better, I'm doing this all on my own. So if you need someone to talk to just PM me.

[LinkCelestrial]

5/9 Turtle,

I have a list of regrets a mile long because of how I ignored my future. It's so difficult because I have no direction now and nobody I know IRL understands why.

It sounds like you might have a type of depression (I want to say it's called chronic) where there is no cause. Otherwise when you're in the worst of it evaluate your feelings. /Why/ do you feel this way? 9/10 times if you find something you'll feel really stupid about it afterwards but that doesn't matter. What matters is finding ways to deal with it. You feel how you feel and beating yourself up only makes it worse. If you can't figure it out you need to get therapy. You'll thank yourself later.

One of the biggest reasons for depression is school. They seriously need to start allowing leave for mental health and giving a .love..

Stay strong. I also extend my PMs to you. Anytime. I may be miles and miles away but you /do not have to do this alone/.

P.S

The first quote is Relient K - I So Hate Consequences. The second and third quotes are me. I have read an "I am falling" quote before but I can't remember it...dunno how much I ripped off. xD 

[Aladormax]

Link, do you have an update on life. Here's hoping that things got better

[LinkCelestrial]

I do actually. There's an exam in August so I'm heading for that. My parents have chilled out too for the time being. As long as I get my schoolwork done, don't piss off my parents and don't think too much I've been pretty good. My teachers were hella helpful so I've been super thankful for that.

[Kaylesh]

I do actually. There's an exam in August so I'm heading for that. My parents have chilled out too for the time being. As long as I get my schoolwork done, don't piss off my parents and don't think too much I've been pretty good. My teachers were hella helpful so I've been super thankful for that.

Glad to hear it.

[LinkCelestrial]

Calm before the .loving. storm. My mother is insisting that I go to public school. I have 0 desire. I agreed to meeting the principal and discussing it (as my sister is going regardless). After the meeting I saw that the courses I need aren't readily available and the scheduling would make me do stuff I don't need/want to do. Besides the social suicide, that I absolutely hate putting up with drama, ect ect. But no. Doing courses online isn't an option. I've pissed away the last two years (it's .loving. one year but she won't get it through her head) of my life and I can't change so I'll just do it again. I'm trying, with success in sight, to finish my courses. She's back on the "you'll be 30 living in your parents basement blah blah" .poo. again. I will die on the streets before I stay here for another 12 years.

I want to leave now. Silently slip away. But I have nowhere to go and how the hell do I decide what to take?

I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of this. I'm so done. But I don't have a way to quit.

My parents have 0 trust and faith in me even though they brag about how "smart I am". Even they know it's bullshit yet they insist it isn't. They wonder why I don't come to them with my problems. I wonder how blind they are.

In conclusion, I'm not going to kill myself. Seriously, I won't. But I'm .loving. done.

[the_intelligentleman]

Why won't they just let you finish this yourself? Just tell them that you can do this, and to just let you finish your schoolwork.

[LinkCelestrial]

I said basically that. They said they're not interested in having me sit around at home and basically that I can't do it. Piss. Me. Off.

[the_intelligentleman]

Then just ignore them. Focus on getting it done and prover those _lovers_ wrong. Show them that they don't dictate who you will become or what you do. You can do this man, I believe in you.