I'm going to start with some examples. (These are just off the top of my head.)
My mother and father were going to watch a TV show on Netflix. I said I didn't want to watch it and then my mother told me that if I wasn't going to I needed to wash the dishes.
My father said that we're going to go into town, I said I didn't want to go and he said if I was staying home I need to do schoolwork. It's a Saturday.
I've had these sort of "decisions" my whole life and they're really starting to sicken me.
My mom came home and I was playing magic, she immediately asked me what I'd been doing all day and shot off into a lecture. That's also usually the case if I'm on my computer or playing video games. But if I'm doing the dishes or reading a book? No questions. No lectures. I've purposely experimented with this sort of thing. (Trial and error, I go through as few lectures as possible.)
Same goes for if I want to do something. Want to go into town to hangout with your friend? Did you clean the house? School done? Go do all these things that aren't on your to do list first. Want to go babysit the neighbours kids? Cya bye.
If I'm doing something I want to do I have to jump through these hoops and do stuff I wouldn't even be asked to do if I just sat around at home or went with the flow (assuming I'm allowed at all). Is that normal? Do others experience this? Am I wrong in thinking it's wrong?
To me it shouldn't matter if you want to go to bed early or go hang out at the mall. Get your stuff done first. You shouldn't have to do extra and prove everything just so you can do what you'd like to do. You shouldn't have to do extra to spend your free time how you'd like.
Ok, to understand your situation, what is your schedule when you get home from school.
Is it...
Get home, play video games/magic immeadietly, then do homework later.
Or
Get home, finish homework, then do fun things.
Also, how long do you play video games? Have you had problems in school? Do you spend any time with your parents?
It's those little things that can help evaluate the situation. :)
Quote from: FlickerYourOwnIdentity on September 06, 2014, 08:41:15 PM
Ok, to understand your situation, what is your schedule when you get home from school.
Is it...
Get home, play video games/magic immeadietly, then do homework later.
Or
Get home, finish homework, then do fun things.
Also, how long do you play video games? Have you had problems in school? Do you spend any time with your parents?
It's those little things that can help evaluate the situation. :)
I'm done everything by the time my parents get home. I'm homeschooled.
I don't play them much at all anymore. No problems in school. Yes but our relationships are not very good.
As a father I can see why, they just want you to have that work ethic and motivation to keep doing things to prosper in the day. Maybe not the best way to go about it, but it's out of love an you have to know that.
To look at the situation properly, you have to look at it from both sides, and an outside perspective. I could stand for the outside perspective, you have yours and I think I can get the parents perspective, but I can't say for sure.
From my perspective, it sounds like everyday parent stuff, the lecture on how video games are bad for you, go join a sport, go "be normal." It all seems really stupid because you are you, and nothing will change that. So when they see you doing something not "normal" (and let me mention, normal associates with being a little athletic, a straight A-student, being popular and hanging out with people who are within your parents guidelines of "normal," and loving the outside world) they want to reprimand you so you will fit in with the "crowd." They want what is best for you, but they have a kind of warped reality of what you want. That's ok, just talk about it in a calm manner.
As for the random chores before you go out to places, it's all chores that are simple like, take out the trash, and clean/put away the dishes. They don't take that long, and maybe they're just looking for a little help. After all, they do hav to do every chore you don't do, and go to work, and pay bills. The chores can help take some weight off their shoulders.
As for your relationship not being good with your parents, the best solution is to sit down and talk with them about it. Tell them what you want, and listen to what they want. Find a middle ground, set rules, and talk it out. Yes it sounds really stupid at first, and a little awkward when you start talking, but you will be happy you did.
That's all my advice. :)
Thanks for the perspective guys.
I'm not "normal" but my parents seem to understand that. Most of the time. They still do pressure me towards being social and such but I understand that. (And am getting better at it).
I understand that getting stuff cleaned is necessary, but I more than pull my weight around the house. Dishes, garbages, recycling, bathrooms (2/3), sweeping, dusting, simple maintenance, laundry, I do all those. The only ones that aren't exclusively my job are the dishes, bathrooms (I don't have to clean the third one), laundry and maintenance (like sometimes dad helps). I just feel like it's a bit of a slap in the face when I do all that and get in trouble for not doing more.
I literally had a discussion with my mom during which she gave me crap for not doing the dishes. At the time dishes were not my job and I had done everything else that day. I explained to her that as they weren't my responsibility so I didn't feel that getting crap for it was justified. She claimed that they weren't my responsibility but I should do them anyways. As such I added them to my list of responsibilities in an attempt to prevent further difficulties.
I dare say that my relationship with my parents, while not broken, it's not fixable.
When I was 13 I ended up breaking down and telling my parents that I was suffering with depression. I was told that it was my fault and that I needed to snap out of it.
Around a year ago I told my mom that I have insomnia and that I needed help (at the time It took me around three hours to fall asleep each night). I was told to stop staying up so late.
I told my mom I have hearing damage and she said "I don't doubt it". That was the end of that.
One time I skidded on ice and smashed my head on the van door. I said I had a concussion. My mom dismissed me without checking. The next day when I said I was feeling horrible and pulled dried blood out of my hair, she believed me.
Other times when I came to my parents about things I ended up getting a lecture. I seldom talk to them without getting in crap or being told to do something. I've had days lacking even a hello.
I cannot bring myself to talk to my parents about certain things because, from experience, it doesn't help. My parents also have low expectations for me. My mom has told me she expects me to be jobless, drug addicted and/or dead. (I've never even tried drugs and have no intention to.)
Our relationship is one that I feel is best left as is. It has been worse.
Now, this is not to say that my parents are the worst and that I have it so bad. I've seen worse. I'm getting through this.
Thank you again for the perspective. I'll try not to let the jumping through hoops bug me.
If I may add an addition perspective or two, in case it helps.
I understand the idea behind the chores. Honestly you may thank them for it some day, as silly as it may sound. The purpose behind it is to help you prioritize responsible behavior over joy time, and to teach you about benificial decision making that will help you succeed at real life. I wish my parents had done a bit more of that, honestly, I struggled to become independent, because I never learned those skills when I was your age. The chores ease you into independent living in your future, as opposed to dropping you into the wilds unprepared , which trust me, is not something you need stressing you out when you're finally on your own.
Sure, it might not makes sense now that you have to do the dishes when no one told you to, but that's exactly what real life is like. Only instead of your parents telling you that you need to do them, you're told by horrible smells in the room your food is supposed to come from and the realization that you're eating macaroni out of a plastic cup that had beer in it last night.
As for getting a better relationship with your parents and finding a middleground that stresses you out less, Talking to them may be as simple as a matter of approach. When you try to tell your parents something, how do you start the conversation? Take the head injury example you gave. Did you just come up to her and say "hey mom, I have a concussion," or was it more like "hey mom, I just slipped and hit my head really hard. I think I might have a concussion. I think I should get it checked out."
I'll be honest, if a teenager approached me the first way, my kid or not, I wouldn't believe it was the truth for an instant. Teens are known for drama and exaggerations (it's not always true, I know, stereotypes suck like that), and approach makes all the difference. If I were approached in a concerned, thoughtful way (like the 2nd way above), I can't imagine ignoring it - I would have to at least give it the old "come here, let me see."
Hopefully some of that is helpful.
Sounds normal.
That's what all parents do. I disagree with it, but they do it. :P