Tell me what you think everyone, and if you like it ill keep writing.
The wind swept across the crisp planes, making the golden buffalo grass dance in the wind. The air smelled crisp and green like after a fresh rain. crickets chirped as the sun set leaving a orangish sky to bask in the rising moon. Somewhere off in the distances, an owl hooted.
Two figures laid on there stomachs, on with her face pressed to the ground. She was alive and well, but only thus. She had long wild hair, her long bangs braided on either side of her face. Her hair was so thick it could hardly be contained. She had a dark brown eye, and a green eye; and had ears which ended in a point. They focused for the smallest sound. Her ebony skin shone in the twilight.
Her name was Salma.
The other was facing forward and alert. He had one grey eye, and one brown eye, which focused for any sign of movement. He had a prominent nose, high cheekbones, and fiery red hair. People called him Jund.
'Do you think it's gone?' Jund asked with his eyes.
Salma only shook her head, then put her face back on the ground.
Despite there training, emotions began to run high. A cloud of fear and excitement hovered over them, rainin down adrenalin through there veins. Where was the thing as of now? The tall grass was silent, beckoning for a misadventure to happen. All through the plain, nothing. Then, a flock of birds took off.
Salma took off through the grass much faster than she thought possible towards where the birds flew off. Jund stumbled, and followed.
Salma took a sharp turn to the right, jumping sideways and spinning to face the direction she needed. Jund did the same in the opposite direction. After a moment, Salma turned and sped towards the creature. The other movement in the grass stopped for a moment, then took after Jund.
He took a three-hundred degree turn, while Salma took a sharp right, heading down Jund's old path. The thing was ahead of her now, and still running in the same direction.
Jund began to circle around, to rejoin his friend, who was now flanking the beast. he joined her on the other side. By this time, it had realized it was chasing nothing and took off after Salma. Who side-hopped out of the way, and ran toward her friend. After meeting one another, they both hopped to the side, and leaped toward the beast as it passed, each yanking off a red flag tied around its waste. They kept there momentum, splitting up again, and each taking a sharp turn south. They ran hard, there legs screaming in protest. The thing had now turned around, and was pursuing them. They turned toward each other and headed north as they passed one another. After the beast had passed them, She circled west toward her friend, and they both ran hard in that direction.
Jund could see there forest camp through the grass some distance off. Hoping Salma would make it, he increased his speed as far as his legs would allow. He could hear his friend behind him, they were both going to make it. They were both going to pass.
He sensed the pit before walking over it, but didn't know what it was. There was a great snapping sound. He jumped, but didnt get the right footing, and was only able to grab the edge of the pit to keep from falling in. Salma jumped over the pit, and reached down to pull him up. The creature had caught up with them by now, it was getting closer to the pit.
They both rolled to the side, and jumped up. Both stood with there backs to a tree. They waited, the thing charged at Salma. She stepped aside at the last minuet as the things head slammed into the tree trunk.
The pair took off towards the camp, each on a full sprint. After dodging another trap, they crossed the threshold of there camp, with the beast just a hands length behind them.
Always spell check, "writing"
As stated in a previous story thread, try not to overuse words. Synonyms are your friend, reading the same word every three lines tends to annoy/bore readers.
Spell check is also your friend. As mentioned you even failed to spell "write" correctly in your thread name, along with numerous other words in just the first few sentences.
So far I've not garnered any interest in continuing to read. The info you give is too focused on small details, and while providing vivid images for readers is always good, an overabundance can be just as harmful as too little.
So far I've gleaned that two elves are either running or hunting some unidentified beast, with the possibility of the two being in an army or possibly just playing a game, I was unsure after the red flags statement. I'd recommend a better hook, slightly less descriptions, and a clearer plot (though I do understand the reader isn't supposed to know everything after one post)
Thank you for your input vyse :)
And I promise the story would get interesting later on
I thought it was pretty good. +1 to you :)
Quote from: Banen, Ruthless Traitor on February 28, 2013, 05:38:28 PM
I thought it was pretty good. +1 to you :)
yes, but what were the weak points?
Quote from: Birdbrain on February 28, 2013, 05:44:34 PM
Quote from: Banen, Ruthless Traitor on February 28, 2013, 05:38:28 PM
I thought it was pretty good. +1 to you :)
yes, but what were the weak points?
Spelling, and i would try to use more flavor in your words. I love books with big meaningful words. And i wanna hear more. It seems pretty good.
You know...I think most of the spelling errors came from auto-correct. I also probably wasn't paying attention, and probably contributed a large chunk of the spelling errors as well
Quote from: Birdbrain on February 28, 2013, 05:56:33 PM
You know...I think most of the spelling errors came from auto-correct
Auto correct??? Lol
Quote from: Banen, Ruthless Traitor on February 28, 2013, 05:57:18 PM
Quote from: Birdbrain on February 28, 2013, 05:56:33 PM
You know...I think most of the spelling errors came from auto-correct
Auto correct??? Lol
lol. Yea, a bunch of cars messed up my spelling
Ahhh lmao
I will post more tomorrow or Monday. I will email it to myself an send it to several friends first
The beast stopped, laying down on the ground. Salma and Jund stopped to. They both stopped and caught there breath.
A lady approached them. Her hair was in a wild ponytail. She had face paint in intricate patterns, and was dressed in animal skin. She smiled at them.
"I see you made it through the penultimate trial." She addressed them.
"Yes lady ka," Jund greeted respectfully.
"How did they do?" She asked someone behind them.
"In my opinion? They worked well together. Salma is run by her emotions a bit more than I liked. Then again, I'm harsh in that area. She seems very in tune with her instincts though, and is good with quick decisions. She was very creative with all the challenges. She is very good at reading the land.
Jund is ruled by his head. I would have thought he had snuck out and saw where we laid the traps, except he seemed surprised when he fell into one. Even though he sensed it. However, he seems very cohesive with everyone he worked with. And can also think well on his feet."
- turned to Jund.
"You may join the hunting party if you wish."
Disappointment gripped Jund. His training was over. He would never get another chance.
He gestured a sign of respect.
"Thank you for the opportunity," he said senerly .
Jund walked off. lady ka turned to Salma.
"Get a good nights sleep. Your ceremony is at dawn."
Salma walked along the edge of the forest, with a feeling of dread in her heart. What lay ahead of her? What futures would her path take to? What adventures lay ahead? No, it wasn't a feeling of dread; but one of excitement and adrenalin. Her senses heightened with every step, preparing her for what lay before her.
She turned her head to all faces of her clan, dipping her head slightly as fresh water was poured over the top.
Lady ka spoke, "let not the fears of the world tame your heart. Let not temptation rope you, and pull you in. Your instincts are strong, wild one. Let them guide you on your path, and may the earth provide your every need. Today, we witness a young seed sprouting in a vast forest. May she become a tree to provide home for her fellow beasts. May her fruit provide sustainence for many."
Furiously convoluted drumbeats followed the end of this sentence. As well as wild yells, and untamed dancing from her fellow clan members. Salma wished she could join them. When the noise died down, - continues speaking,
"Though you will be separated from us by distance. You will never be separated from us by heart.let your mind be cleansed these next four weeks. Let all that you cling to in this world melt away, to reveal who you realy are inside. Now go forth, and become one with the wild!"
She shouted. More furious drumbeats and wild dancing followed. Salma turned from her fellow clan members and states up at the towering trees ahead of her. 'Where is the top?' She wondered.
Someone gave her a gentle nudge, stepped into the forest.
All sound disappeared. Salma wanted to turn around, but pushed down the feeling. She took a step forward.
A loud whooshing sound surrounded her. Followed by a gust of wind that nearly knocked her down. She turned around just in time to see a flash of light go from oval shaped, to thin and spread out. None of her tribe were there anymore.
Taking a step closer to the hill. Her mouth dropped at what met her eyes at the bottom. Scraps of variously shaped metal bits littered the ground. As well as a green, oozy substance that seemed to be leaking from the pile.
A little further on, a tree was gone. The tree she was born under, were she made her first friend, ha her first kiss. Where she had spent hours just doing nothing but memorizing the land. Where many more memories happened. Gone, replaced by a towering statue of some unknown figure. Further still, the forest home she had was replaced by a multitude of buildings. Towering smoke stacks littering the skies. The fields and forests were her tribe had hunted, and lived off the land, now replaced by farmland. Tears came to Salma's eyes. And despite the crushing sad loneliness that bore down on her, she didn't collapse into a blubbering heap. Though she wanted too.
Didn't mean to call her lady ka. Just put down the first thing that came to my head