Kaalia, the Origin

Chapter 1
A New Calling

"Kaalia, are you just about ready?"
"Almost, Papa," she called back to her father. She gathered her deep red hair in one hand and tied it into a low ponytail, draping it over her shoulder. Taking one last look in the mirror to see if she was done properly this time, Kaalia breathed easy. Her bright green eyes stood out through long, dark eyelashes, and the dark red sash and cowl she'd chosen to wear flowed nicely around her shoulders and legs. The light armour she wore, a simple leather leotard with metal overlaid with buckles, fit her snugly, showing off her slim figure.
Satisfied it fit the requirements, she grabbed her bag, full of clothes and books, and dashed down the stairs to the living area. Seeing her father standing there with a huge grin plastered on his face, she hesitated for a second. The full force of what was happening hit her.
Kaalia was of age now, and Vanaketh custom was that when a citizen came of age, they chose a profession that would be theirs for their time on the plane. She'd chosen to be a cleric for the clergy in the mountaintop citadel of Vanaketh, the plane she lived on, which unfortunately meant leaving her family.
Her father stepped over to her and swept her up into a spinning embrace, making her drop her bag and got them both laughing. Setting her back down on her feet, Kresh brushed a stray lock of Kaalia's hair behind her ear, pride gleaming in his eyes. "Your mother would be so proud to see you like this, Tariel guide her soul. To see the beautiful young woman you came to be fills me with joy," he said, his eyes watering and lip trembling slightly. Frowning, Kaalia pulled him in for another tight hug.
"Papa, stop it. Crying won't help the matter, and you always make me cry when you start crying!" They held each other for a short while before Kresh pulled away, smiling and wiping his eyes.

"I have a gift for you!" He walked into the kitchen and retrieved a long and slender box from a drawer. Approaching Kaalia, he held it out to her. "It's a family heirloom. It's got a bit of a story, too, but the short version is that it's said to hold power over the righteous and unholy." Opening the box, Kaalia pulled out a dagger. Unsheathing it, she examined it. The blade was long and slightly curved, with a little kink in the reverse side, and the runes engraved into the metal seemed to gleam with unnatural light. The hilt, on the other hand, was wrapped in pitch black leather which looked as if it pulled light from around it.
"Papa...it's beautiful, thank you..." Kaalia said, awe etched into her face. Kresh beamed. "Thought you'd like it. I know the clergy up there use powerful magic, and I know some of its combat oriented. So arming yourself's not a terrible idea."
They were interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Coach here for Kaalia Tenvir!"
Kresh sighed and shot a mock glare at the door, making Kaalia giggle. Kissing him on the cheek, she went to open the door while Kresh grabbed her bag.

Walking outside, the pair saw the coach. Made of fire-hardened dark mahogany wood, the edges, handles and buckles were crafted with white gold, with rubies inlaid into the metal. Kaalia noticed that they were the three colours of mana used by the clergy in Vanaketh. She watched her father place her bag in the coach on his own and hold open the door for her, much to the drivers chagrin. Giggling again, she walked towards the coach, trying not to laugh when Kresh bowed to her like she was royalty then closed the door behind her. Pulling back the curtain to speak to her father one last time, she looked him dead in the eye.
"Papa, don't you dare let yourself do all the work on the farm by yourself, okay? Get people to help you, make friends, whatever. I won't be around to look after you."
"I will, sweetheart."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
"Good. I love you, Papa."
"You better. I'm too old for heartbreak."
Before Kaalia could roll her eyes, Kresh kissed her on the cheek.
"I love you too, Kaalia. Write to me?"
Kaalia nodded. "Every week."
Before they could say anything else, the coach took off with a lurch. Leaning out the window, Kaalia waved goodbye to all she knew.

---------------------

As the coach left the township, towards Kaalia's new future, things were unbeknownst to her were set in motion, and it all started with a doorway opening from the Blind Eternities, and a certain Planeswalker appearing on Vanaketh. Placing her hands together after brushing the dust from her dark purple robes, Liliana Vess looked around.
"There's a dagger here that bends the will of demons, and I so desperately need it..."

You are quite good at writing. You had enough description as to guide the reader but not so much that I wanted to skip over rambling paragraphs (which I do quite often with published books). The dialogue was also great; it seemed natural. I can't wait until the next chapter!

Thanks man! This is actually my first experiment with writing a fanfic of any kind. Most of my so-called story writing comes in the form of roleplay websites and the such.

Also, +1 for kudos!

Good job

I like the origin story idea here.  I laughed at the ending because whenever lilliana's in a story, she's always searching for an artifact (fanfics anyway)

Well, the way I hear it, she's always indebted to demons and needs whatever help she can get to try and kerb them. Liliana's presence on Vanaketh means more than just her being after a dagger, of course, but all in due time.

... LEGEND (like Kaalia) ARY!!!

I'm glad people like the story. I'll be posting new chapters sporadically. Basically when I have time to write a draft then type in the mentally edited version.

Fricken awesome

;-; that was beautiful. Please continue.

Really good I liked it

Chapter 2
Prejudice & Power

The coach came to a slow stop, the driver urging the horses to be still. Having fiddled and examined her new dagger and its sheath the entire trip and committed it to visual memory, Kaalia looked up for the first time when the driver opened her door.
"This way, ma'am," he directed, grabbing her bag for her and carrying it with ease. Following him closely, she looked at the citadel up close for the first time.
"From the farm this place looks beautiful and majestic. Standing in front of it makes it seem imposing and monolithic."
The driver chuckled as he walked up the stairs to the large archway. "You'd be surprised how often I hear that."
Kaalia gasped. "Oh, Tariel forgive me, I've been so rude! My name's Kaalia Tenvir. Pleased to meet you Mr..?"
"Maine. Just Maine is fine, ma'am."
"Pleased to meet you, Maine."

They entered through the arch into a medium sized courtyard filled with people her age. Swallowing, she watched as one particular girl, wielding a broadsword like it was bread, knocked down one of her three opponents with ease, dodge an attack from another then disappeared, leaving behind a spectral image of herself midstep, then reappeared behind another opponent and took him down as well. The last man backed off a little, and the girl saw Kaalia watching and glared at her. Frowning, Kaalia looked away and unintentionally towards an older woman who clapped her hands once to gain everyone's attention. Maine excused himself quietly as she began to speak.
"Welcome, trainees. I congratulate you on choosing Gilbrack, the Dega citadel of Vanaketh, as your place of profession. If you're here, that means we've accepted you because you have the passion, the desire and the drive to do what we do. You'll be trained in Dega magic while here; the ordered and righteous power of White mana, the passionate and impulsive properties of Red mana, and the greedy and self-serving nature of Black mana. Some of you have shown that you are capable of great things," she said, and Kaalia could swear she saw the girl from earlier inflate a little from that. "While others are new and have much to learn." Kaalia slumped a little.
"Wait here, while I retrieve the Father."

After she left, the girl Kaalia had seen earlier approached her, a smug look on her face. Kaalia could see now that she had wavy dark brown hair and eyes that matched, somewhat tanned skin and a very promiscuous demeanour.
"I saw you watching, by the way. You looked dumbfounded when I used a Flicker spell. Do you know any magic?" Before Kaalia could respond, she looked Kaalia up and down, and laughed. "Of course you don't, look at you! So naive and stupid."
She twirled away, leaving Kaalia burning with anger. Taking a step forward, she drew her dagger.
"Hey!" The people around her went quiet and formed a circle around her and the girl. She span round to face Kaalia, a smirk planted firmly on her face. "What, princess?"
Kaalia approached her, her faces inches away. "I'm duelling you in the Initiations."
"Got it. You'll lose, princess, but I'll see you there."
They were interrupted by a man clearing his throat loudly. Turning to face him, they instantly went into obedience mode, Kaalia sheathing her dagger discreetly. He was in his forties, with pure white hair and piercing blue eyes. He held himself in a way that meant you don't try anything stupid with him around as he surveyed the trainees.
"In a moment you'll be taken to the duelling room, but first, introductions. I am Father Keyan, and you'll address me as Father or Father Keyan. Good? Great! This way, please."
Kaalia decided that she liked Father Keyan, despite his rigidity.

The duelling room was much longer than it was wide, with a large stage set up in the centre. As the twenty trainees filed into the room and took positions on either side of the stage, Father Keyan stood up on the stage, hands behind his back as he paced the length of the stage.
"Initiation. This will determine who goes into what team. There will be ten teams of two people, and the partner you receive will be the partner for your entire duration of service in the clergy. Any volunteers?" Kaalia and the bratty girl shot their hands up.
"...huh. That's never actually worked before. Okay, up you two come. Names?"
"Kaalia Tenvir."
"Tarelle Pol."
"Alright, begin on my count."
They stood at separate ends of the stage, five meters apart, and took their stances with weapons drawn.
"Three...two...one...go!"
Tarelle launched herself at Kaalia, bringing her sword at her in a horizontal arc. Reading her easily, Kaalia ducked under the blade and rolled, getting to her feet behind Tarelle just in time to catch a foot in the stomach. Winded slightly and staggering back, Kaalia missed Tarelle using another Flicker spell and appearing behind her and ended up getting kicked to the ground again. Laughing, Tarelle closed in on Kaalia.
"Too bad, princess. Now I'll have to take your pesky little knife as a prize."
Adrenaline surged through Kaalia, making her twist to her feet and lay into Tarelle, swinging relentlessly. Tarelle parried each attack, slowly gaining the upper hand and pushing Kaalia back to the other end of the stage. The sparks from the scraping blades flashed rapidly from white to black to red and back again for a few seconds before landing on white. There was a blinding flash of light and Tarelle was on the ground, her sword a few feet from her.

Blinking to clear her vision, she saw the most beautiful angel she'd ever seen standing over Tarelle, her eyes not leaving Kaalia. Kaalia tried to make eye contact, but the angel seemed to dodge her, staying respectfully obedient. She could swear she kept hearing the word 'Baneslayer' in her head, but she was too astounded to care. The angel bowed her head as Kaalia reached out to touch her, then disappeared into smoke before she could. Disappointed, Kaalia sheathed her dagger and moved to help Tarelle up but jumped back when she screamed at her.
"You little bitch! You can't beat me on your own, so you summon an angel to do the work for you?!"
"Tarelle, I didn't mean to-"
"Don't! Don't even! You and I are gonna be fighting for a long time now, and I swear I'll kill you at the end of it."
Tarelle stormed off.
The room was quiet. Until Father Keyan cleared his throat again.
"Tariel's will, that was impressive! Okay, pair up, submit names then continue. Kaalia, a word."

Silently panicking, Kaalia burst when they got to the corner.
"Father, I'm so sorry, I swear I didn't mean to do that, I don't even know how to do that, I know it was wrong, please don't cut me out of here, this place has been a dream of mine since I was a little girl and Papa would be devastated and-"
"Kaalia?" She went dead quiet. "I'm not cutting you out. Normally, I'd reprimand you for what just happened, but to tell you the truth, I'm fascinated. Summoning a creature like that, and not just a basic one, but a real, solid, powerful angel like that, takes years, decades even, of training. And you didn't even break a sweat. That usually takes a lot out of people. I'm officially considering moving you up into advanced classes."
The Father walked away from Kaalia, leaving her dazed and confused.
"Oh, before I forget. Tarelle is your partner. I think the two of you will work together really well."
Kaalia heard it but wasn't listening. What does 'Baneslayer' mean? Who was that angel? Why did it treat her as some kind of leader? And why did this ability bring not excitement but dread to Kaalia?

I loved this part it makes the card make so much more since

;-; beutiful, but i found a typo, change mind to mine in the last part

Jebeezum, you are a talented writer!

Thanks so much, guys. I'm glad you're all liking it. Make sure you spread the word about it, cause I'd love to hear some ideas and theories about where to go next. PM me any ideas or whatever. I'm kinda making it up as I go. ;-)

Good eye on the typo, by the way. That's fixed now. Bloody autocorrect.

I'm debating whether to make it long or short. If its long, I get to flesh out the story some more at the cost of not being able to do as many Commander Origin stories, but if I make it short, then I can churn out more stories at the cost of quality. What do you guys think?